I recently re-posted a fun thing on Facebook asking people to share what they thought my day looks like in a gif. I expected just funny feedback, which I got, but I was also amazed at the amount of people who posted things that painted me as this amazing woman conquering the world with total confidence while wearing stilettos.
I do love my shoes, so there’s certainly some truth to that but I couldn’t help but think to myself, “I wish that was true.” I would love to be a strong, confident leader that walks in to every room like she’s about to take down the kingdom of darkness, solve all the world’s problems and look incredible while doing it, but I don’t ever feel like that inside. There are so many days when I think to myself, “Are you sure it’s supposed to be me Jesus?”
When God gives me a vision it’s always overwhelming. It may not be overwhelming in a natural sense, but it is always overwhelming in a spiritual sense. Everything God asks of us requires Him to be involved so heavily in it.
Everything God asks of us requires Him to be involved so heavily in it.
There’s a divine responsibility attached to calling that can sometimes feel like a weight. And it is a weight. It’s a weight that reminds us to get on our knees because we can’t walk this out without falling on our face first. But it’s also a weight that scares me. What if I can’t put Him first? What if I fail? What if I make it about me instead of Him? What if I try to carry this by myself? What if God isn’t in it?
See, I’ve been hurt by ministry leaders. Leaders who had an amazing destiny assigned to them but they lost Jesus in the process. I never want to become that. And sometimes I get so scared of losing Jesus in the process that it becomes crippling. Sometimes I feel like there’s no way that I can get it right. I’ve seen so many women greater than me stumble, how could I ever think that I could do it when they couldn’t?
When I allow God to work in me and start to see people the way He sees them it’s stunning. When I allow that kind of love in to my heart it’s beyond anything of this world. In our flesh it can seem impossible to ever handle those lives the way they should be handled. It’s so tempting to get caught up in those fears of letting down my Father, letting down His people, and hurting people that should be uplifted. It’s a fear with good intentions but it’s still fear, and the enemy takes it and uses it to completely paralyze me. Then I’m right back to square one asking Jesus, “Are you sure it’s supposed to be me?”
But then I feel the gentleness of His presence and His voice comforts me like no other and reminds me that I’m not them. I’m not the leaders that have gone before me. I’m not the people that failed. Sure, I’ll make my own mistakes, but the fear the enemy tries to use against me can be the fear that pushes me further in to His presence. And today it does, and that has to be enough to move forward.