As I’ve had the privilege of walking with Jesus for quite some years, I have also been blessed to receive wonderful teachings on identity related issues such as the Father Heart of God. Over the years I have grown in confidence that I am Papa’s precious daughter, created and loved by Him, secure in his love. I have often thought I’m not too bothered by the things people may think or say about me, as I am convinced of who I am in Him.
Over recent weeks I have become aware that my foundation may not be as strong as thought. For example, I’ve found myself questioning friendships. It’s not that I’ve doubted the love or integrity of my friends. Rather I’ve asked myself why these people want me as their friend, especially when I’m not in a position to help them. Or in seasons when Papa’s presence seems less tangible I’ve found myself ‘working hard’ to find Him again. What have these behaviours shown me? They have shown me that there is a part of me that still believes I am somehow not enough. Not enough for friends. Not enough for God. As much as I believe that I believe I am Papa’s favourite daughter, my actions reveal that my belief may be little more than a sticky note stuck on my fridge, an idea in my head, or something I heard in a sermon. For if I truly believed that I am enough, because Papa says I’m enough, these questions or behaviours would be less evident in my life.
Of course it’s quite possible to keep many of these things well concealed, maintaining a veneer of self-sufficiency and security. My experience has been that I do deeply believe I am pretty secure and am living out of my true identity. I haven’t been consciously choosing to pretend to be someone I’m not.
However, as Jesus has been drawing me over the past days to a place of deeper vulnerability, I am beginning to realise that there is more brokenness within me than I’ve been aware of. And I’ve had a choice to make. Would I smile and say, "I’m OK thanks", or would I embrace the opportunity Papa is giving me to go deeper, and become more of who He has created me to be?
I confess I have spent some time vacillating between the two options. But yesterday as I shared with a trusted friend, I chose to surrender. To surrender to His love. To surrender my own weakness. To surrender to the possibility of more freedom that I have ever known.
So as a new day begins, I am filled with hope, and some trepidation, for this new adventure. These will be days of intentionally renewing my mind, allowing His word to go deep, bringing change that is beyond my thinking, but that transforms my core beliefs. I expect there will be some painful moments in this journey, but my greatest expectation is of a level of intimacy with Papa that I have only dreamed of! And from that transformation will flow renewed relationships with friends, with food and with myself. What an incredible privilege to still be able to come to Papa as a child, knowing that He knows me and cares for me so well!
Mail to Ruth Israel