Sometimes the word of God is just letters in a book that seem to have nothing to do with my real life. There are these moments that apparently shouldn’t be in my life as a believer, as a woman of God and especially not as a leader. But I can’t help it. I have these moments, where I just feel forgotten. Forgotten by my friends, forgotten by my team, forgotten by my network buddies. Even forgotten by God.
Over the years I have learned to identify these moments, so sometimes I can resist the temptation to let myself go into the ‘comfort’ of inferiority. But more often, I can only identify what is happening when it is already too late to resist the temptation.
Have you experienced something like this? My phone and my computer are silent; no calls, no messages. Nothing. Maybe Facebook will provide some comfort! Everything I read there is about the success stories, glorious friendships, inspiring conferences, and the preaching of the very successful pastors. None of that helps me in the moment. My next step is to turn on the TV, to at least have some sound in my apartment. But in these moments, I don’t usually turn to great documentaries; I find romantic movies that make me feel even more lonely, because that good looking guy is missing from my life. Tears start running down my face. Everybody has forgotten me.
If I listen deep into my heart, there is a voice that wants to be heard. The voice of my dear friend, Jesus, whom I have forgotten in this very moment.
If I listen deep into my heart, there is a voice that wants to be heard. The voice of my dear friend, Jesus, whom I have forgotten in this very moment. I have such a close relationship with him, yet I still manage to force him out of these lonely moments. Instead of turning to him, throwing myself into his arms, I seek comfort in other places. He must feel hurt by me so many times, being excluded from my lonely moments, because I don’t turn to him.
These moments of tears pass, and are mostly followed by regrets. No, I don’t regret times of tears; they are just part of my life. My regret is how I reacted in these moments. Why couldn’t I sit in the lap of my God with tears, even hammering my fists on his chest, screaming and telling him off, because I felt so lonely? I know he would be so much happier that his angry girl sat in his lap, than to see his girl turning away from him and searching for comfort everywhere else.
Even if sometimes his word is just letters in a book, it is still the truth, and I will keep returning to read it and fill my heart with it. Hopefully the next time that I feel forgotten, I will throw myself into his lap, hearing his word, 'My daughter, you are not forgotten!'
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:6-7
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